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Early morning blues

What have I done? It's 3am right now and i've been up for an hour now worried that something is still going on. My detective brain is in overdrive and I just can't get rid of the feeling like somethings up. There's something I don't know about. Neil is not being completely honest with me I know it. But I don't know how to get it out of him. He says its nothing but its something. Everything is giving me anxiety right now. On friday I completely flipped out on the phone and screamed at him saying I just don't trust him. How can I just feel secure?

I came downstairs hoping I could get on his MacBook account that way I would have access to his text messages and his phone calls because last night as soon as I got off the phone, yet again right away he isn't answering me. I know he can't fall asleep that fast. He sure doesn't here. Even if he does, he would be up non stop during the night. In stead i'm the one up all night worrying about it. But of course none of the passwords he usually uses for things are working. Now I'm just upset and don't know what to do with myself.

Things were good when he was home. I almost felt like i forgot about what happened other than its impossible for us to be intimate. We still have not had sex since I found out about this whole thing and its been a month now. Maybe thats part of why I'm losing my mind? I don't know what else I can do. I share how I feel with him all the time but its not helping. Even if I feel good while he's home.. that's now down to 9 days. That's not enough!! I've been cheated on and betrayed and he's away for 21 days. I'll never get past this.. I will never trust him again and will forever feel like there is something he's not telling me or someone he's not telling me about, as much as he will forever deny it.

I made the mistake of making some large purchases while he was home. I can't even say he pushed me to do it because i'm the one who went ahead with it. I guess its a good thing everything is in my name because I can just sell things and pay them off if i decide this just isn't going to work. Maybe not the jeep, and that's some huge payments now if i were to do it on my own every month. But I feel like i'm starting to come up with a breakup budget in my head. I can sell of the motorcycle for 4-5 grand.. trailer i can sell but i'm sure it won't cover the whole loan but then 1 or 2 bonuses should take care of that and well the jeep.. I don't know. 800 per month used to be my whole auto budget but now thats just the car payment.

But can I really do it? What if i'm wrong and there's actually nothing going on now? I guess regardless if there's nothing now he still cheated and will most likely do it again. Due to my past i fully believe that once a cheater always a cheater, and i now thing that every man is capable of cheating.

This is so defeating because even if i end things with Neil, what about the next guy? I will never trust anyone else either.. This is when I really start to get down and wonder why the hell i even keep trying. I can't seem to get a life together. This is as close as I've ever been to getting everything I want and now I feel like i need to return it all and go back to living in the depressing dark condo with my sister and start from square one with the whole dating shit again. I don't want to do all that but i don't want to stick to this unhappy life I have found myself in now. What the hell do I do?? And how do I sleep at night?

The Struggle

Already first thing in the morning I can't get it off my mind. I keep thinking, didn't Neil think after sleeping with Jenny that there must be something wrong with our relationship? I truly think if I didn't catch him that it would have happened again. Supposedly it only happened once and I even tried to message Jenny on Facebook to see if this was true. But she was no help. she said "nothing had ever started". Thats bullshit because these texts would not have happened afterwards if nothing had really started. If it weren't for their texts and Neil sending cock shots to her then I wouldn't have even found out and they probably would have hooked up again on this run at work.

Neil just keeps saying it wouldn't have kept going, he texted her that it must never happen again and he says she didn't contact him since but I don't see how it could be that easy to end things. I know women, and they are persistent little bitches.

What were his lies though, if i didn't even know he was in Winnipeg where she lives, did he just tell me he was underground? Or was it in the evening and he just said he went to bed? I don't get it.. He used to tell me he has no time to cheat on me because he's either working or talking to me all the time. But he sure found time to go to her house and fuck her.

I'm scared when he gets home and wants to have sex. Its something I feel like he has deprived me of in the past year and now it feels like i'm going to be forcing him to do it. Then i wonder if i'm going to think of her while it happens. Is he thinking of her while he fucks me? If he worries so much of pregnancy when he has sex with me, why did he not worry about that with her? Did he just lay there and make her do all the work like he does to me? Part of me wants to give up and not try to fix this because its too difficult. Everything is uncomfortable and every day I think about it and feel more and more depressed about it.

All he can do is say I PROMISE.. I promise it won't happen again, I promise she doesn't contact me anymore unless its work relation, I promise I don't think about her, I promise I will make this up to you for the rest of my life.

There are some wounds that promises can't heal.

Back

It's been a very long time. But I need to get back to writing. The last 3 weeks has been a complete rollercoaster of good and bad.

Number one I found out Neil cheated on me.

Number two I went to Mexico 4 days after number one (spur of the moment)

Number three I had one of the worst breakdowns I've had since I found myself in the hospital in 2014

And finally number four I have gotten back on the healthy train. No diet, just burning lots of calories by walking and exercising and enjoying food.

I need to find my balance. Mentally i'm messed up right now. As much as I'm exercising I still can't sleep well and my brain is so overactive. One day I'm good and I feel so in love and the next i'm questioning everything and wondering whether its going to happen again and whether Neils thinking or talking to this girl right now.

There's a lot of new communications that have arisen from this incident and I'm learning that there was a lot that was going on in Neils mind the last year and a half that I didn't even know about. He kept all of it from me. He was depressed too from his ex boss crushing his self esteem, and our life being turned upside down from Keegan living with us. He promises to work on things and communicate with me so none of this ever happens again and I just have to choose to believe him and hope for the best that he's telling me the truth.

This is now the third person that has cheated on me so its really hard to give him another chance. I feel so vulnerable to him and he could easily crush me if I go whole heartedly into this with him and he does it again. But everyone deserves a second chance right?

This is strange but cheater number 2 actually gave me some advice. I had to ask Hoss what he thought about this and whether or not I should try to work this out and trust Neil that it will never happen again. He said second chances is what we believe in.. As much as I have seemingly abandoned church and God in the last 3 years he's very right. God forgives anyone and everyone. So I can forgive but there's definitely not more than 2 strikes. I'd like to think I'm a stronger human being than that. I'm not a beat puppy that keeps going back to the abuser. But I don't want to give up and quit either.

Thats why I need this. The upcoming days/months/year are going to be tricky. We both see each other in a new light and have to learn new things about each other to make our bond tighter and make sure we are both happy in this relationship.

Beginning a new year

This morning I am in a little bit of shock. I weighed in for the first time in quite a long time! Ive been back to the gym for a couple months now so I figured I would be at a certain number, but I decided I didn't want to weigh in or really track weight at all this time. But with it being a new year I decided I maybe should, and I'm glad I did. It was waaaay worse than I had thought.

Keep in mind 4 years ago now I had a crazy weight loss journey and had gone from 330 down to 199. Sadly I have made it back to 300 lbs. I could say I don't know how I got there, but I know damn well how I got there. I have the tendancy to eat way more than a normal person should, I like my late night snack before I go to bed and I wasn't exercising nearly enough. The summer I basically just depended on golfing. Oh and last problem, I like beer way too much!!!

I'm hoping the reason it's so high right now is because of everything I drank 2 nights ago and I downed water like crazy yesterday to make up for it. But still that's 20 lbs more than I had expected. But now that i'm aware it's time to change that and improve.

So what changes am I going to make? Well, i'm already going to the gym 5 days a week (sometimes 4 but I really try for 5). I've been trying to go for walks as well but I do not like walking on ice and snow! It's time to really be more concious of the food I eat now though. That's my major down fall. I feel like I'm eating healthier but I need to actually write down calories again because I'm sure I'm eating more than I"m supposed to. Really I just need to be more careful with the cheese.

Now that I'm going to be dating a bit more I need to watch the alcohol intake and pub/bar foods. At least I checked out tonights specials and I know taco salad is on. So I'm good there! Chris is definitely not a healthy eater if i judge by what he ate the other night, but he really doesn't have to worry about that he's one athletic over metabolized boy! (so jealous)

I can do this, i've done it before and I'm motivated to do it again. At least this time I once I get there I feel like i'd be able to keep it off. If i happen to be with Chris still, it's hard to say because it's been 1 date! but if i'm still with him he's a really active person and likes to do things that I like to do as well, so i'm sure that would keep me moving all year round too. Just have to watch the foods.

I'm really trying to get back into running again. Trying curling last week has really done a lot of damage to me this week. I think I may have damaged or strained my groin but I'm trying hard to work it out and get back to a pain free body. Today was supposed to be running day but unfortunately the gym was closed for some strange reason this morning and I'd been too sore to run on Monday and Wednesday. But I tried!! Knowing now that i'm at 300 lbs makes me wonder if i should be putting that much strain on my joints, but it's only been a minute at a time so hopefully that won't harm too much. I'll just be careful.

On to a healthy happy Friday :) This will be a Happy New Year. 2014 wasn't as bad as 2013 but I feel very positive about what is coming up ahead this year for me!

Day of relaxation

This year for Christmas I got what is called a Shine. It's a bracelet that monitors how many steps i take, how many calories I burn and generally how active I am in a day. Well today I was flippin lazy! I sat in this chair that i'm in right now and just observed everyone else. I read my book and enjoyed a full day of pure laziness.

Everyone went for a walk at one point this afternoon and after our walk last night I was in no mood for it. My Dad drives me crazy on these sorts of things. I can't just have a leisurly walk. No, he needs to walk his pace and there is no waiting for anyone else. Its just not comfortable he makes it a pain and I don't like it. I've been walking with Becky in Calgary and when its just us I feel like going as far as 10 kms. But we had just finished dinner last night and I was bloated as heck and 2km in I was just done. I felt like i was being pushed so hard as much as Becky would walk behind with me and we'd goof around I felt like I was pushing myself so hard that I couldn't enjoy the night out. At least last night I had met my daily "quota" of calories and steps. Tonight I'm not even 1/4 of the activity i'm supposed to be at. The only time i've walked was to get more church lady squares off the patio. I've had a few too many of those today!

I do love finishing a book! I just finished my yearly Christmas Romance book which was wonderful. It was called All I want for Christmas Is You. It was perfect, short but really sweet. It's surprisingly kept my mind off of my lack of love life but since I did some writing last night I keep reminding myself that its ok to be alone. I think i'm finally convincing myself. :) We will see what a full day of being by myself would be like. But i feel ok right now. Even if it's almost 9pm and I want to go to bed.

One thing I am really happy about, is I did not respond to the Merry Christmas email that I got from Hoss yesterday. I don't know why I havene't been able to delete it, but he basically emailed me saying that he arrived in Nashville and heard something that reminded him of me. How sweet "barf" I shouldn't be responding to those types of things. Hearing from him gets my mind going. I saw on Instagram that i'm pretty sure he's dating April. I haven't looked too far into it because I just don't want to know but sometimes when I want to be mad at him I wonder if his family knows or if he brought her to Louisiana with him and if they would actually be nice to her if he did bring April there. The selfish me wants to say no, but I would never ask. I really do not want to know! I must keep him at a distance and not talk too much. I think i've done a pretty good job of that.

The tough thing lately has been the girl that I work with, Krista, applying for her 90 day fiance visa like I was. Its so strange to hear her talk about her long distance relationship after going through that for so long and feeling so much hurt from that. I keep telling her it's ok, it doesn't bug me at all and I try to be happy for her. But when I hear that she stays up on skype all night with him and falls asleep I can't help but relive the past a little bit. I feel like the only difference between us is she's drop dead gorgeous and I think she knows it. I'm slowly warming up to her though and I really hope her story ends much better than mine. I'm trying to use whatever knowledge I have about the process to help her out. Someone may as well learn from everything I went through. I try to keep it positive. Her American is hopefully better than mine was.

Well that's all for today. Tomorrow is going to be an exciting day of learning to curl and have some friends over for dinner.

ciao ciao

Merry Christmas!!

Exciting news, I got a new keyboard for Christmas to link up with my Ipad so I can actually start writing blogs again!!

I've really wanted to get back into it but it's been a little difficult to do the whole touch screen typing so I haven't done it at all. The reason i've wanted to get back on here so bad is i've finally started back on the healthy eating and exercise band wagon. I did something a little different this time. Instead of obsessing over a weight every single day like I did before, I decided to just work out every day and not weigh my self at all.

Even if Becky figured I would need the numbers as motivation, I don't. I feel good. My face is thinning, my clothes are finally getting looser and my mental health has been much better. I'm back to being a positive person, other than the last 3 days but I blame PMS for that :).

I've been going on a few dates lately hoping to find a new connection, but so far nothing. Any time a guy really likes me, I'm not overly into him. And when ever i'm really into him then he ends up not really liking me. I guess that's the way the world works. One day it will be mutual and it will be beautiful!

I'm really grateful for the people I have in my life right now and i'm trying not to hurry myself or feel like I need to be with someone. I have had maybe one serious-ish relationship since Hoss (Steve) and we broke up I believe it was the very beginning of July. So it's been about 5 months. I need the time alone. I need to figure out that it's ok to be alone and I don't NEED anyone. What a concept. :) I didn't think I could live without Hoss before and I can, and I seem to be quite successful.

Go me!
Merry Christmas to my non existant reader :)

Here and Now

It has been a while, that is for sure. Things have really improved for me. My life has had a complete 360 in the past 10 months. Some days I don't know if its for the better or not but most days I know it is. Last time i wrote on here I was severely depressed. I chose not to read any past enteries but I have a pretty good idea when those were. I was still dating Hoss and I was about to move to be with him and marry who I thought was the man of my dreams.Well things didn't quite turn out that way.

A week before Valentines day, I will never never forget this night. I was on Skype with Hoss like I always was. He had already fallen asleep and I think i was just reading or doing something on my computer. Then it pops up that I have received an email from April Crosby. I knew that name all too well and was not happy to see her name in my inbox. I opened up the email and it said "Sleep well, tomorrow you will find out what a liar Hoss is" or something along those lines. At the bottom of that email was a picture of the two of them having wine together. I started yelling at Hoss to wake up. He didn't know what was going on.

When he came to I asked him what the fuck was going on and why I would be receiving a cheeky email from April with a picture of the two of them. I drilled him as to when this picture was taken. He said it was a while ago and proceeded to get her on the phone. He was definitely paniced and repeatedly just yelled Why? Why would you do this? Nothing else. I couldnt listen anymore so I just ended the call. I couldn't handle this. It was Sunday night at 9pm and I had to work the next day. I had about had it with him and the drama and I didn't want anymore of it that night.

After I had ended the Skype conversation he was calling my phone. I was not answering but he just kept ringing me and ringing me. Then the texts started flooding in. All kinds of apologies and "Nina Please, just talk to me". In the meantime I had been responding to April's email since she had sent me another email. Aparently Hoss had told her that I was suicidal and her accusations could just put me over the edge. So she said she did not mean to upset me and didn't want me to hurt myself but she felt that i should know about what Hoss had been doing to both of us. I reponded that I didn't believe her. A harmless photo of the two of them having wine meant nothing and did not mean there were any intimate relations that had taken place between the two of them.

April then sent me more proof than I even knew how to process. I had the Facebook history at my fingertips of the conversations between the two of them going way back to the July before. At this point I was ready to answer my phone that was ringing non stop and it was time for Hoss and I to have a conversation. He was totally busted and he knew it. I read some of these conversations back to him so he could hopefully figure out fed up I was with him lieing to me. At that point it was over. I may not have known it instantly, believe me he tried to change my mind. He told me he had a ring and was going to propose when we were supposed to go to New Orleans in March. Even his sister tried to change my mind. But I was not a fool. I had given him a 2nd chance after I had found out about his lies to me about his ex wife. I had known ever since he was at my house last that something was wrong and I then knew what it was. I had almost killed myself over this waste of skin. Never again.

I still had a few follow up sessions left at the hospital because of what had happened in January but they had noticed a huge change in me. I had a big weight lifted off my shoulders when I had left Hoss. I was all the sudden relieved that I didn't have to move away from my family or friends. I was also surprisingly happy that i wouldn't have to leave my job. Everyone of course was happy I was staying but just as surprised to find out that he had cheated on me. He had even convinced everyone in my life that he was a good person.

About a month later I started back with online dating. I don't know if that was necissarily a good idea. I wasn't sure at the time, but now looking back it was way to early! I had met a guy named Steve and I was just an unstable mess. He just wasn't the right person for me but I couldn't figure out if something was just wrong with me or what the deal was. I compared him way too much to Hoss which should have been my first sign it was too early for me to be dating. Steve was away for work a lot and the worst reminder of the past was when we were talking on Skype. The first time was really hard. Of course I didn't show that but it burned on the inside. Steve and I had dated for a little while. Usually one day we would get to see each other inbetween all of his long road trips. I had even invited him to a family function, my Aunts wedding, as my date. That was an absolute first for me. I got quite intoxicated so if you ask me, i think it went well. But that's only because I don't remember a whole lot of the evening.

I believe it was a couple weeks later I paid for both of us to have a weekend in Lake Louise. I thought he would at least offer to pay but that didn't happen. So we stayed in these cute little cabin villas in the middle of one of the most beautiful places on earth. This was the most consecutive time we had spent together and the small things that he did just really started to drive me crazy! I thought it was cute when he would complement me on something. But repeating that one thing over and over just gets down right creepy! After spending 3 days together, one of them we had gone to lunch with my favorite Uncle, Tim and his girlfriend Laura and thats when it just clicked that Steve didn't belong with me. He was so awkward and it made me really uncomfortable. After that lunch we went for a drive and I knew it would be our last road trip together. He kept telling me he loved me even when I wouldn't say it back. He didn't get it and it just felt more like a knife was skinning me alive the more he kept saying it. I eventually felt like I HAD to say it back and I have never regretted any words that have come out of my mouth as bad as those 3 years.

It was a Sunday afternoon and I was down in Vulcan golfing with my good friend Linda and her husband Dean. After we had finished our 18 holes and were sitting down for a beer like we usually do, my phone dinged as I had an email come in. I don't know why I checked my phone since I was out with friends having a conversation, I don't normally do that. But I looked own at my illuminated phone to see I had received an email from Hoss.

My heart had instantly skipped about 10 beats. At this point it had been at least 5 months since we had exchanged words and he was emailing me to tell me he missed me. Well that sure messed with my head, I could not longer concentrate on what conversations were going on around me. I just turned my phone off and looked up trying to look alive. I would stare at their lips but I couldn't hear any sound come out of their mouthes. Linda knew something was really wrong and she could not take her eyes off of me. But I brushed it off as if everything was ok. It was definitely time for me to go home at that point.

I know I reponded to Hoss that day but I couldn't remember what was said. I had even told Steve that I had heard from Hoss and how it was really messing with my head. We both knew this was true and really, this was my chance to get out of this relationship so I took it. That day, I broke up with Steve and crushed that poor mans heart. He said he wouldn't be mad at me, but he never spoke to me again. Hoss on the other hand, knew nothing about what was going on. I didn't want him to have that satisfaction. But we talked a little bit back and forth. Then it was HIM who decided we shouldn't talk to each other, because his councelor said so. How ironic.

After my relationship with Steve was over, a whole new girl was born. He didn't want me to become some girl who started to sleep around because that's what happened to him after his breakup with his ex wife. But that's exactly who I because and who I still am today. Nobody else has a say in who I am and I have decided to be the way that I am now. I can't say I'm 100% happy about it but I don't know if I really want a relationship again. Some days I think I do but then somebody goes and rejects me and I think I want to get somebody back for the wrongs that have been done on me. As messed up as that sounds there's some pigs out there that really deserve their dicks cut off but the least I can do is give them a taste of their own medicine and walk away. There are 3 guys that have hurt me in this process. Kieran, Kevin, and the guy who lives in my apartment complex but I have done too good of a job blocking his name from my memory.

That brings us to the present. I am having a slightly bad day because #1, there's a guy that should damn well be asking me to go on a date today but he has not. I refuse to bring it up anymore and sound needy so he has until the end of today to ask me out or he's being taken off the short list. Unfortunately he has the potential to break my heart as well. He reminds me of a guy that I had met online about 5 years ago. We had texted each other ALL the time and I really really liked this guy. We had finally gone on one date to a hockey game and then it was back to texting all the time. He always made an excuse and always was too busy to actually do things together until I finally had to tell him I would have to date someone else if he isn't going to spend some time with me. I was not being dramatic, i mean we were texting for a VERY long time. It was starting to get ridiculous. Well I went on and dated someone else and found out that he was actually gay!

Current Guy #2 I just met in person for the first time on Friday (Halloween) I am embarassed to say I was not very excited to meet this guy. He sounded really sweet but really quiet and shy. I anticipated that there would be a lot of awkard silence. But I met up with him anyway and it actually went surprisingly well. Only problem is he has one major red flag, one that I wouldn't want to tell anybody about and would probably cause a lot of problems. I don't even want to tell Becky about it because she would tell me I should just walk away while i still can easily. But I did offer to see him again today but he seems to be too preocuppied by football to be bothered. I want to keep my options open as I have my fingers crossed for bachelor number 1, but we will see.

Then there's Guy #3. Yes I technically have 3 guys on the go, but guy number 3 is the only one who has had more than one date with me. The problem with this one is that he only seems to talk to me when it's convenient for him. His sense of humour is almost offensive and I don't know whether to feel hurt by some of his comments or not. But like on Halloween I just get a text that says Happy Halloween, and nothing after that. The biggest red flag with this guy is that he does not have a drivers license. I guess that's a pretty darn big red flag. I'm not quite sure why I would consider any kind of future with this guy. But I guess i just needed to write about him to make up my mind. Ok, he is no longer guy number 3. He is just Chris.

I forget now why I thought I was having such a bad day. I was getting in the shower this morning to get ready for a good date with myself at the movies and for some reason started thinking about Hoss then started thinking how unstable i feel right now not being able to have a normal relationship with someone and I think I was having a little bit of an anxiety attack which hasn't happened in a really long time! Then I just started thinking about Laura and well that always makes me spiral in a bad direction. I feel much better now though. I think I will just have a nap, enjoy the rest of my lazy day and STOP waiting on a boy and enjoy myself. I do not need anybody. I can just stay single as long as I please, which I think needs to be a bit longer. I just wish I could meet guys in normal circumstances. But that's life. At least I've learned how to take the bull by the horns. I'm in control of my destiny.

Starting the new life

Starting over isn't easy. I feel like I really had to start from scratch. My life was packed up for years waiting for my new exciting life to start. I'm always waiting for a new life to start and really I start over every day, so what's different now?

I think i've dealt with it, but losing my best friend was really starting over. I don't want to say it's a good thing at all because it's the most horrible thing I think I've gone through to date. But I've learned a lot from it. I'm trying to make more friends and opening up to more people like i have only done to one person in the past.

Starting a new relationship, that has proven to be extremely difficult as well. I don't know what's going on the past couple days but I really... reallly,... and I mean really, miss my ex. I got fucked over, but I still miss every other aspect of our relationship and I don't know that anyone can ever fill that gap. I still sincerely feel like he was the one for me. like THE one. I don't even think everyone finds this kind of "one" for them and I was extremely lucky cause I found mine.. my Yar as I call it.  But unfortunately he fucked that up and i'm trying to piece together my life again. I thought things were going really well but tonight I'm missing him...

I've tried starting a new relationship and he's been really great, he's sweet and everything, but he's not Hoss. Funny my computer just had a freak out even just typing his name. Go figure. I miss the fucker.. i seriously do. I refuse to message him or admit that to anybody right now, but i'm extremely distraught over it. Nobody else is him. Any song that plays, It reminds me of him, every quote i see or anyone talks about love, that's him.. to me. i still love Hoss so much and i can't imagine saying to anybody else that I love them. I haven't talked to him in a month now and we have been broken up for almost 4 months.. How can I still not move on?  I can't talk to anybody like i talked to him. Everything felt so easy with him. I want to phone him right now. But how can I forget he betrayed me in the worst way possible.. how am I able to just see past that right now. I think thats horrible and i feel like a weak person because of it.

To be honest if Hoss lived here right now I would be with him.. I say that and i just cry.. The whole situation is so unfair.. it's unfair to me, it's unfair to Steve who I am trying to move on with but don't want to at the same time. i don't know how to explain all these emotions I have and he's trying to help me but I don't want him to. i don't want to be with anybody right now. i want to hide, be alone, and just wait out the rest of my life alone. If I can't be with Hoss, which I shouldn't... then I just should be alone.. I feel like everyone and anyone could cheat on me now.. time to be alone

No subject to be had

Tough night tonight. Of course that's what always brings me here. But tonight is very different than the posts I've had in the past. Yes I am crying. But since January, yet again, my whole life has changed. I hate bringing it up but Everything i mentioned in previous drunk, suicidal posts was right. Ok, maybe not everything because i was pretty effed up that night. But I felt like Hoss was cheating on me and i was completely right about that, and go figure it was with the person I thought it was. I thought I was so in love, I still think i was so in love with him and he broke my delicate, emotional, fucked up heart.

I had a couple really horrible months. The suicidal thoughts wouldn't go away and i was in the hospital a couple times until i finally found out about Hoss and APRIL, who i might add I fully called. But he's still fucking me up.. I still miss him even though i won't talk to him and he messed up my life. I don't knwo how to move on from this. I'm not suicidal, i finally found the right drugs to fix that. But I can't get over him and what he did to me. The dumb thing is i just want to talk to him. I dont' want anybody else from him. but I will NOT give in to that weekness. I never want to speak to him again because of what he did but I remember all the good and want that person back.

I met a really sweet guy that shoudl be able to help me move on, but it still hasn't happpened.I feel bad for him for getting into my tangled web of mess but i'm hopeing he can help me out of it at the same time. It's so difficult! One night I think i'm ready to move on, the next I feel like i'm cheating on Hoss.

I just went to Texas with my sister and it was a really wonderful trip for us, but I thought about hoss sooo much. One night when we had gone out ddrinking I had even sent him a text before I had gone to bed. Big mistake, but luckily I had him blocked on my phone so whether he had responded or not I would never know.

I still don't handle being alone very well. I had a few drinks which i should know by now that is NOT a good idea when i know i'm going to be home alone for the night. But I've drank quite a bit lately being out with people and thought it would be ok. But tonight is the toughest night I think i've had in a long time. i decided it was a good idea to open up old photo albums with me and Hoss in them. Us kissing, him giving me loving eyes, him being the man I loved so much! and dumb enough, i'm listening to that song that fucks me up "say something". Don't ask me why I did that. I still don't like reaching out to people when I get to this point. Not that its as bad but i dont' like admiting that I cry, or get emotional or anythign like that. I just want to drink it out, and cry it out. I haven't had a night to myself to just lay back and be at home alone. but I hate it. I hate being alone! I don't even know where my thoughts go but i keep drinking to make myself figure it out and it just makes me more emotional. I want to cry. I want to forget the bad. Everythign I've written about in the past. I want to get it out now and move on. I want to get back on my healthy track and be happy. I want to find the man I am supposed to be with forever and wants to be with me, and me alone!!! forever. I believe it will happen. I believe i will get what I want out of life. And I believe i can be happy. I don't know yet if that is with Steve, or who that might be with. But I decide to be positive.. even while listening to this effing depressing song. I really need to delete these old pictures of me and hoss. I need to get rid of all of that unfortunately happy, but now sad past. That just breaks my heart though. I want to phone him right now... i dont' know if that's to yell at him or to tell him i miss him. But either way its unhealthy. I do not deserve to be treated like that. and I refuse to even be friends with someone who will disregard my feelings like that. I have learned alot about myself in the last little while and I want to make good choices and not be depressed anymore.

Back to being the possitive, bubble, cute, beautiful, smart, Kristina Lynette Wagner.  I believe in myself. And Hoss, I'm giving up on you. 

Weigh in Wednesday

I have let this go too long. I've made awesome changes in my life and now its time to tackle the weight again. I found a great post on pinterest that I am going to follow. it's a weekly challenge with a different focus every day of the week.  Today is just weigh in day, and I did not take that lightly (pun in tended).
I weighed in at a whopping 279.9 lbs. OUCH! I'm sure thats what the scale was saying anyway.  So today i focus on what i'm going to change and how I'm going to do it. Gaining 80 lbs back is not acceptable. The way I look right now, is not acceptable. I'm finding myself in my new single life and I think its a blessing things worked out the way they did so I can focus on myself again and get below the 199 that I got down to before. I want to be as beautiful as I am in that picture from oklahoma I have on here. I definitely do not feel that way now. But i can do it!

Todays mission -
Phone my gym and set up personal training again.
Go to walmart and get some workout pants that actually fit!
Stay healthy! Keep to the good food, stay away from the crap!

Today is a wonderful new adventure!